Since Kalli has apparently decided we’re awake for the day at 2 a.m., I figured I’d get a jumpstart on today’s Hot Topic Tuesday.
So let’s talk about parenting teenagers.
This one might be a little controversial.
My parents were strict. And looking back, I don’t think the strictness produced the results they intended. Instead, it taught me to fear consequences, and eventually that fear turned into something else:
I got really good at hiding things.
I don’t say that to blame my parents. I don’t think they were bad parents. I believe they wanted to protect me the best way they knew how. They were doing what they thought was right, and they couldn’t have known every consequence that would come from it.
But I can look back now and see where it affected me.
A simple “No sex” rule didn’t stop me from having sex at 14. It just meant I didn’t tell my parents about it.
I didn’t understand the risks. I didn’t have someone I felt comfortable asking questions. I was lucky in some ways, but I still ended up becoming a teenage mom.
And when I look back on that experience, there’s one thing I knew I wanted to do differently with my own kids.
I won’t say better.
Different.
Because I don’t think any of us can honestly say that one parenting style is universally better than another. We all parent with the information, experiences, fears, and tools we have.
I just knew I wanted my relationship with my kids to be different.
Our biggest rule is pretty simple:
We talk it out.
And I mean everything.
I started having the uncomfortable conversations with my kids young because I learned the hard way that telling kids, “We don’t want you to do this,” doesn’t magically mean they won’t do it.
So I had to ask myself:
Do I want my teenagers to be obedient because they’re afraid of me, or honest because they trust me?
I chose honesty.
That doesn’t mean there aren’t rules. There are absolutely boundaries. There are things they’re not allowed to do, and there are consequences when those boundaries are crossed.
But as they get older, they also get more opportunities to make their own decisions.
And I know some people are going to have strong opinions about that.
That’s okay.
Because I remember being a teenager and making decisions anyway.
I just didn’t tell anyone.
And nobody was checking in to see whether the decisions I was making were safe ones.
I fully believe my parents wanted to keep me safe. But I didn’t always feel safe enough to talk to them about the things I probably should have been talking about.
That is something I wanted to change.
So if my kids want to go somewhere, we talk about it.
If they end up somewhere that makes them uncomfortable, they know they can call me. They have a code word they can use, and I’ll come get them. No lecture in the car. No “I told you so.” We deal with everything else later.
I keep a little shelf of “just in case” necessities, too.
Pads. Tampons. Condoms. Pregnancy tests. Plan B.
I know that’s probably not everyone’s idea of normal.
But here’s my reasoning:
If my teenager decides they want to do something, I know from personal experience that simply telling them not to do it may not stop them.
They may just get better at hiding it.
And if they’re going to make that decision anyway, I’d rather know they’re as safe as I can help them be—even if they’re not ready to talk to me about the decision itself.
And if that decision ends with a negative result?
We figure it out.
Together.
Because that’s another thing I think gets misunderstood about the word consequence.
A consequence isn’t automatically a punishment.
A consequence is simply the result of a choice or action.
Sometimes that result is good.
Sometimes it’s not.
Sometimes you make a decision and realize, “Well…that was probably not my brightest moment.”
And that’s okay.
Because learning how to deal with the results of our choices is part of growing up.
My goal isn’t to prevent my kids from ever making a bad decision. I’m not sure that’s even possible.
My goal is to teach them how to make decisions, how to think through them, and—maybe most importantly—what to do when they make the wrong one.
Because they’re going to grow up.
They’re going to leave my house.
And eventually, I won’t be there to tell them what to do.
I’d much rather let them practice making choices while I’m still here to help them navigate the consequences than send them out into the world expected to somehow magically know how to do everything perfectly.
My goal isn’t to be their friend.
I’m still their mom. There are still rules. There are still boundaries. There are still moments when the answer is simply, “Absolutely not.”
But I want them to know that no matter what happens, I am a safe place to come back to.
I want them to know they can tell me the truth.
I want them to know that making a mistake doesn’t mean they’ve lost me.
And I hope that because we’ve spent years talking openly about the uncomfortable stuff, they’ll feel a little more prepared to make good decisions when I’m not standing right beside them.
Honestly, I guess that’s my entire parenting philosophy:
We’re figuring it out as we go.
I don’t need my kids to never make a bad decision.
I need them to know what to do when they do make one.